ING financial planning center speech --- FQ Awareness

When is Enough, Enough?

Weaning adult children off parental financial life support

Most parents take the responsibility of raising children seriously and with the best intentions. From a deep sense of love and duty, we provide for and protect our children. How each family provides varies based on traditions, values and means. 

The whole point of parenting is to prepare children to survive and thrive on their own. Yet, parents (myself included) are so committed to provide and protect children that doing anything less can seem negligent, even when they’re capable of doing more on their own.

Increasingly, parents are asking: When does the financial obligation to children end? How can we wind down financial support of children before it presents more risks than benefits?

While there’s no one right answer, and everyone must decide for themself, consider these insights from parents who’ve been there:

• Talk early and often about financial expectations. Communicate as clearly as possible about what you will and will not provide and for how long. Most importantly, provide fair warning about when it’s “game over”. This way, there’s reasonable time to plan and prepare, and less shock to the relationship. 
  

Tip: Be very clear about ongoing financial and housing support, if any, once high school and college education are completed. 

Create a ‘finish line’ of sorts. For example, consider gifting a final bonus upon college graduation to celebrate their independence day, and mark the end of your supportive financial role.  

• Take baby steps. A gradual approach to change works best. Over time, parents can morph from “bank” to “coach”. When money matters come up, transfer responsibility back to the child with a simple question: “What can you do to make it happen?” With each year, entrust them with more. 
  

Tip: Coach your child to increasingly share the financial responsibility for certain wants during middle school, high school and college years.

• Set reasonable limits and keep them. Sound like familiar parenting advice? If you’ve mastered this with other sensitive issues, like curfews, you can master money limits too.  
  

• No guilt. It’s in everyone’s best interests to know when enough is enough. Contrary to popular opinion, weaning kids off parents’ payroll is especially important in today’s uncertain economic times. For one, parents need more money than ever for their long-term financial wellbeing. Financially secure parents will not be a burden to their children later in life. 
  

Think of this as an epic teachable moment: If our young adult kids can learn to survive on their own during tough times, imagine how prepared they’ll be for the potholes further down the road of life. Letting go is an opportunity for the child to learn just how capable and resourceful they are. 

Over the years, parenthood gets easier in certain ways and more challenging in others, but it is never easy. Letting go of our children, financially and otherwise, calls to mind the old adage: “This is going to hurt me more than you.”